Slipping Through My Fingers All The Time
It's 2 in the morning and I'm sitting here in my quiet house at my computer. Everyone else is asleep and I'm reflecting on how far we've come in this house.
When we moved into this house it was my dream house. A 4 bedroom, 2 bath ranch style house on over an acre of land outside of town. It's everything I had ever wanted. I was pregnant with Nicholas when we moved in... my third and final child. Claudia was not quite 2 and Will was 3 1/2. They were babies and I knew this would be a great place to raise them.
I was right. This home has been everything we ever needed it to be. And my babies have grown from babies to teenagers in this house before my eyes.
William is 18 - technically an adult! He's starting college classes in just a couple of weeks and has been talking with a Navy recruiter about heading off to boot camp at the beginning of next year. The thought of my boy joining the Navy fills me with both dread and pride... but mostly pride. He's becoming a man and making good decisions about how to proceed with his future. He is kind and well-mannered. He knows to hold a door for a lady and for his elders. He knows to say "please" and "thank you" and to be soft spoken and gentle when necessary and when to assert himself. At this time last year I was so worried about whether he would make the right decisions - and here we are, with him on the precipice of such a great life and I am overflowing with pride.
Claudia will be 17 in 2 days - technically tomorrow! She's starting her Senior year in high school and who knows where she will be this time next year. Every song on the radio reminds me that she'll be leaving me soon and I can't believe it. My little girl who still cuddles with me on the couch and needs me... she won't need me much longer. She went to her first festival concert just the other day - the kind of concert that I told her she had to wait until she was 16 to attend. All day long, full of sweaty punk rockers screaming obscenities into the microphone. It's the kind of concert I would have been at when I was her age. I see so much of myself in her and yet she is so unlike me all at the same time. She is headstrong and confident in herself and yet apprehensive and unsure at the same time. She's an enigma, my daughter. I'm so excited to see her fly and yet I want to curl her up and keep her close to me, too.
Nicholas starts high school this year. He'll be 15 next month and he eats like two men yet his waist remains 27 inches. How does he have my genetics? He loves band and video games and hates that his voice cracks. Over the past year he has changed from my adorable little boy to a handsome teenager. Sometimes I stare at him just trying to see that smooshy little guy still underneath all his angles and limbs and he catches me and yells at me to stop. I can't help it... where did my baby go?
I miss all of their chubby cheeks and squishy hugs and giggles. I feel like I let it all slip away and I just want to rewind and go back and soak in their babyhood a little while longer. I want to put it all on slow motion so I can see relive every lost tooth and birthday cake and first day of school all over again. Why didn't I take more pictures? Why didn't I record them more? Why didn't I just hold them instead of always wanting to get to the next stage when it would be easier and I'd be less tired?
Everyone tells you to enjoy it... and I know that's easier said than done... but it's over so.damn.quickly. I want to be at the Christmas recital where Claudia burst into tears in her little Santa hat because she was afraid to be on stage. I want to watch Nicholas in his first karate class where they nicknamed him Taz because he never stopped. I want to dance with baby William in my arms and his little precious curly haired head on my shoulder just one more time. I want to throw them on the bed over and over and have them giggle and scream and ask me to do it again. I want to push them on the swings and swim with them in the pool and let them feed the gulls at the beach again.
I know why grandparents spoil their grandchildren so much. Because it's the closest they get to a do over. It's the closest they'll ever have to being able to live those moments again without the frustration and exhaustion of being the parent. Life is funny that way, isn't it?
So here I sit in our house and it's quiet and right now all my babies are under this roof - but not for much longer. This chapter of my life is nearing the end and I just want it to slow down. I hug my babies any chance I get lately. I make them hug me and they do. They never pull away until I let go first... and sometimes that's hard to do.
When we moved into this house it was my dream house. A 4 bedroom, 2 bath ranch style house on over an acre of land outside of town. It's everything I had ever wanted. I was pregnant with Nicholas when we moved in... my third and final child. Claudia was not quite 2 and Will was 3 1/2. They were babies and I knew this would be a great place to raise them.
I was right. This home has been everything we ever needed it to be. And my babies have grown from babies to teenagers in this house before my eyes.
William is 18 - technically an adult! He's starting college classes in just a couple of weeks and has been talking with a Navy recruiter about heading off to boot camp at the beginning of next year. The thought of my boy joining the Navy fills me with both dread and pride... but mostly pride. He's becoming a man and making good decisions about how to proceed with his future. He is kind and well-mannered. He knows to hold a door for a lady and for his elders. He knows to say "please" and "thank you" and to be soft spoken and gentle when necessary and when to assert himself. At this time last year I was so worried about whether he would make the right decisions - and here we are, with him on the precipice of such a great life and I am overflowing with pride.
Claudia will be 17 in 2 days - technically tomorrow! She's starting her Senior year in high school and who knows where she will be this time next year. Every song on the radio reminds me that she'll be leaving me soon and I can't believe it. My little girl who still cuddles with me on the couch and needs me... she won't need me much longer. She went to her first festival concert just the other day - the kind of concert that I told her she had to wait until she was 16 to attend. All day long, full of sweaty punk rockers screaming obscenities into the microphone. It's the kind of concert I would have been at when I was her age. I see so much of myself in her and yet she is so unlike me all at the same time. She is headstrong and confident in herself and yet apprehensive and unsure at the same time. She's an enigma, my daughter. I'm so excited to see her fly and yet I want to curl her up and keep her close to me, too.
Nicholas starts high school this year. He'll be 15 next month and he eats like two men yet his waist remains 27 inches. How does he have my genetics? He loves band and video games and hates that his voice cracks. Over the past year he has changed from my adorable little boy to a handsome teenager. Sometimes I stare at him just trying to see that smooshy little guy still underneath all his angles and limbs and he catches me and yells at me to stop. I can't help it... where did my baby go?
Everyone tells you to enjoy it... and I know that's easier said than done... but it's over so.damn.quickly. I want to be at the Christmas recital where Claudia burst into tears in her little Santa hat because she was afraid to be on stage. I want to watch Nicholas in his first karate class where they nicknamed him Taz because he never stopped. I want to dance with baby William in my arms and his little precious curly haired head on my shoulder just one more time. I want to throw them on the bed over and over and have them giggle and scream and ask me to do it again. I want to push them on the swings and swim with them in the pool and let them feed the gulls at the beach again.
I know why grandparents spoil their grandchildren so much. Because it's the closest they get to a do over. It's the closest they'll ever have to being able to live those moments again without the frustration and exhaustion of being the parent. Life is funny that way, isn't it?
So here I sit in our house and it's quiet and right now all my babies are under this roof - but not for much longer. This chapter of my life is nearing the end and I just want it to slow down. I hug my babies any chance I get lately. I make them hug me and they do. They never pull away until I let go first... and sometimes that's hard to do.
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